by Sandy on January 22, 2010
I was recently called upon by a loved one who needed help. She was in distress and I was on my way. This is what I do for the ones I love. I try my hardest to make myself available when times of need strike.
I do not care for the close quarters of airline travel. I like getting where I am going but the cramped spaces are not my thing. I guess I am a bit claustrophobic. I had to get from San Antonio to Springfield, Missouri. I was not looking forward to haivng to change planes in Chicago to make my final destination. The layover time was only 40 minutes and I was sure that I would have to walk the entire length of Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport. One could say my mood was that of a crab!
I always choose a window seat when I can. The window helps me not feel so confined. Because my seat was at the front of the plane, I was one of the last to get on. I just knew I would have no room for my purse and laptop bag. I was also praying the person I was sitting next two went easy on the cologne and passed on the bean burrito before embarking the plane.
From the moment I met her, I knew she had kindness in her heart. The lady that was sitting in the aisle seat didn’t act annoyed as she stood to let me in giving me extra time to get my laptop bag under the seat in front of me. She was dressed as though she was a career woman in her slacks and blazer. She looked very professional and I admired her hair style. Actually, class just dripped off of her.
The first thrity minutes or so of the three hour flight, I dozed off and on. We finally exchanged words as the flight attendant was making her drink rounds. Over the next two and one-half hours, I realized that I had just met a wonderful human. In that short amount of time we both realized we were both of Southern Heritage. In those 150 minutes, Lori and I laughed until we hurt and cried until we smiled.
I truly believe that God puts people in your life in the exact times that you need them most. When our flight was over and just before we walked our separate ways, Lori and I hugged because we both knew that we would always remember flight 408 from San Antonio to Chicago.
God Speed Lori. I hope we meet again.
by Sandy on November 4, 2009
The job title of stay at home mom is a very different one for me . Since the age of 15, I have had a job. Granted, said jobs were not scientifically ground breaking but it was a job in which I felt I was contributing to the family financially. That has come to a screeching halt.
My health is the main reason that I do not work any longer. The other reason being my children are in their teens or approaching their teens and we feel that this is a time in their times when the children need us the most. Now my children do not have to share my time with an employer.
My new job as stay at home mom is the best job I have ever had. I love being home when my children get off the bus. I love preparing meals every evening and I love being more involved in my children’s education. I get to be with them completely. I know that I am fortunate to have such a gift. I know there are many parents that would love be able to stay at home with their children. For this I know I am blessed.
All of my adult life I have had a job that has contributed to our families financial needs. Now I do not have a “paying” job. Since I am no longer on the payroll we have had to make some sacrifices. By no means are we hungry nor do we do without the necessities but their are no more luxuries. Because I had to grow up meagerly, I have always been “thrifty”. I have always clipped coupons, bought nothing unless it was on sale or better yet clearance, and avoided wastefulness at all cost. The skills of being frugal that I learned growing up are now really coming in handy.
With every change their comes turmoil. My husband has always been the one who oversees the budget, pays the bills, and balances the checkbook. Mostly because his math skills are way better than mine. To be honest with you, I didn’t even know how much money I earned on my paycheck or when payday was. My earnings were automatically deposited into our checking account and that was that. I never knew and still don’t know if there is $10 or $10 million dollars in our checking account. I am pretty confident it is not the latter. I pretty much bought what I wanted when I wanted it, within reason, and I handed the receipts over to my DH. We also consulted each other on large purchases and there was no problem.
As a working person I did not have a problem with treating myself to a pedicure once or twice a year or purchasing a new pair of shoes. I love cosemetics, purses, shoes, jewelery, and clothes. When I was working I didn’t have a problem buying these things. Now, I feel like a prisoner. I feel like every decision is being made for me and I hate it.
Because of medical reasons I have not been able to drive for the past 5 months. I have had to depend on my husband for everything. He is a busy man so I have to go through him to go or do anything. It has been five days since I have left my house. Now add that to that fact that I fell like I have to ask permission to buy a Coke. Now don’t take this the wrong way, my husband is the kindest most loving man on this planet. He is not one of those controlling possessive types. I just don’t earn any money so I fell like I don’t have the freedom as I use the money we do have. I am not dealing with this well at all.
So now that I am a stay at home mom do I stop wearing cosmetics? Do I stop getting my hair done? Before I felt as though I deserved those things because I worked hard. In fact, I had two jobs. I did all of household task plus worked.
I feel that each person in the relationship needs to have money that they don’t have to be accountable to the other person for. It could be $5 or $500, whatever the budget allows. I am just not sure how to accomplish this. Before it wasn’t a big deal, now it seems to be a huge issue. I feel like I am asking Daddy for an allowance. I feel like everything that I want or need is a luxary and I don’t have a right to ask for anything. It sounds crazy even as I write this, but it is how I feel.
Here’s a perfect example: A couple of weeks ago my DH handed me $40. For days, I sat and pondered what I should do with the money. Should I spend it on the long sleeve tops that I need since the weather is getting cooler or should I spend it on a hair cut? Should I spend it to get my eye brows waxed or maybe some new makeup or lunch out with a friend? This decision kept me up at night. I did not know what expenses of mine this $4o was to cover. So I sent the money to the relatives of a friend that just passed away to help with her burial expenses.
So here is my question to you: How do you other SAHMs and SAHDs do it? How do you maintain your independence when your whole lives are in the hands of someone else? How do you not resent your partner? How do you handle your financial freedom?
by Sandy on October 14, 2009
So what is beauty? I am torn with that answer. I look back 15 years, to others it may seem like a long time but to me it seems like only yesterday. It was yesterday that I was the 102 pound homecoming queen. It was yesterday that I played right field on my high school softball team with my bronze skin tinted by the sun. It was yesterday that I ran the mile faster than anyone on the team. It was yesterday when I had a stomach as flat as a board and an ass that I was quite proud of. It was yesterday that my hair was long and shiny. It was yesterday that I had the perfect 4.0 GPA teetering between first and second in my class.
It was also yesterday that I was a lost, lonely girl looking for the love of her addict parents. It was a girl that cried herself to sleep many nights. A girl that wanted her momma. I was a girl that yearned for love. A girl that wanted to be tucked in at night. A girl who wished she had a father to escort her on homecoming night like the rest of the court. A girl who looked in the stands every game to she if her momma would make an appearance even though knowing in my heart it would never happen. I was a girl who wanted so badly for someone to congratulate her on her good grades and her outstanding accomplishments. That was then.
Now I am a woman that is plagued by a weight problem that is not made any better with a slew of medical conditions. Joints that ache with every step and medication by the handfuls to cure my list of aliments all with the side effect of weight gain.
Now I have the stretch marks due to childbirth and the fat rolls to accentuate them. My hair has loss its luster and is thinning and limp. My once perky and firm breast have gone south. My once firm rear, now resembles that of a tire.
The good news is, I no longer cry myself to sleep and I get a kiss goodnight, every night. I no longer worry about where my head will lay at night. I now have a safe, warm shelter. I now have the title of mommy, which I am extremely proud. I have a life most could only dream of having.
So then I had beauty and was hallow inside now I have everything but the outer beauty. In the world we live in, I wonder which one is better.
I feel so undesirable. I feel as though everyone is staring at me when I go out in public. I was much more pathetic then, but I feel so pathetic now. Where did my beauty go. I want it back.
by Sandy on September 14, 2009
I think back over my accomplishments and the things that I have had the opportunity to do and I smile. I remember the sad broken little girl with straggly black hair and worn, dirty clothes. I contemplate, how did I get here? How was able to over come insurmountable odds? How was I able to break the cycle? How am I not a crackhead, prostitute, or alcoholic? How am I not dead?
The nightmares still haunt me. I often awake fighting off my abusers. But the victory is mine because I overcame. I made it. I am not a statistic. I am a law-abiding productive member of society. I beat my abusers.
My husband and I are leaving this weekend on a 9 night vacation. Oh, I forgot the best part, Grandma is keeping the children. That’s right. Just the two of us. 9 nights and 10 glorious days. What ever will we do?
I am going to see the Grand Canyon. You see, this is a milestone for me because I have always thought of that area of our country as being very spiritual and healing. As a young girl, I always dreamed of seeing this wonder of the world and I imagined the views to be breathtaking and I always thought of throwing all of the pain, abuse, bruises, and tragedy over the edge of the giant gorge and walking away a new person.
I have had the pleasure of traveling all over the U.S. on various vacations with my husband and family. San Diego, Myrtle Beach, Las Vegas, Washington, D.C., and Wisconsin Dells are the most memorable. Each time we reach our destination, I always think the same thing; How on earth did the daughter of a alcoholic crackhead get here?
The answer is drive. I always wanted to have a better life than the one that was given to me. I used to dream of having a pantry full of food and having enough money to buy all the grapes I wanted. The purple ones, not the green ones. Even at the age of 4, I wanted more.
My drive and determination is what made me overcome. Now I get to see Santa Fe, Carlsbad Caverns, the Grand Canyon, Sedona, AZ and best of all I get to get dressed up in a fancy dress and stand beside the love of my life as we watch his best friend say, “I do”. I am so excited I can hardly wait!
Stay tuned for more as I chronicle my journey from extreme poverty and abuse to my new life of love and happiness.
