So what is beauty? I am torn with that answer. I look back 15 years, to others it may seem like a long time but to me it seems like only yesterday. It was yesterday that I was the 102 pound homecoming queen. It was yesterday that I played right field on my high school softball team with my bronze skin tinted by the sun. It was yesterday that I ran the mile faster than anyone on the team. It was yesterday when I had a stomach as flat as a board and an ass that I was quite proud of. It was yesterday that my hair was long and shiny. It was yesterday that I had the perfect 4.0 GPA teetering between first and second in my class.
It was also yesterday that I was a lost, lonely girl looking for the love of her addict parents. It was a girl that cried herself to sleep many nights. A girl that wanted her momma. I was a girl that yearned for love. A girl that wanted to be tucked in at night. A girl who wished she had a father to escort her on homecoming night like the rest of the court. A girl who looked in the stands every game to she if her momma would make an appearance even though knowing in my heart it would never happen. I was a girl who wanted so badly for someone to congratulate her on her good grades and her outstanding accomplishments. That was then.
Now I am a woman that is plagued by a weight problem that is not made any better with a slew of medical conditions. Joints that ache with every step and medication by the handfuls to cure my list of aliments all with the side effect of weight gain.
Now I have the stretch marks due to childbirth and the fat rolls to accentuate them. My hair has loss its luster and is thinning and limp. My once perky and firm breast have gone south. My once firm rear, now resembles that of a tire.
The good news is, I no longer cry myself to sleep and I get a kiss goodnight, every night. I no longer worry about where my head will lay at night. I now have a safe, warm shelter. I now have the title of mommy, which I am extremely proud. I have a life most could only dream of having.
So then I had beauty and was hallow inside now I have everything but the outer beauty. In the world we live in, I wonder which one is better.
I feel so undesirable. I feel as though everyone is staring at me when I go out in public. I was much more pathetic then, but I feel so pathetic now. Where did my beauty go. I want it back.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
If only you could see yourself through the eyes of your heavenly Father. Oh, how he loves you. Oh, how He looks at you and smiles, because he created you in HIS image and you ARE Beautiful. Don’t believe the lies that our media throws at us. Size 4 isn’t the only size that is beautiful. Try this exercise, it always helps me when I’m feeling down. Write a letter about all the crappy things you are feeling. Be candid, be specific about what you don’t like about yourself. THEN, a few days later, go back and read it. Read it as though it was one of your children telling you that they felt those things about their body. What would you say to them? Re-write the letter. We will never look perfect and there is always some one skinnier, firmer, prettier, etc. You have an amazing story. I enjoy reading your blog. You are a true testimony of over coming. (HUGS)
Cassie,
Thank you for the kind words of encouragement. True, there is always someone that is prettier, skinnier, and firmer. I just need to get to a healthy weight. I deal with pain and stress by over eating. I feel that my extra weight is just a another burden of my past that I need to over come. Many young girls that are sexual and physically abused have weight problems in their late teens and into adulthood. I am a classic case. I just want to get the weight off. I feel like it is the last step in healing.
Thanks for reading. I love to hear your comments so please always feel free.
Sandy
Boy can I relate to you! As a victim of sexual abuse myself, I understand. It’s as though we feel our bodies have already been abused, so why not continue to abuse it. I struggle with my weight as well, and let me tell you, I know it’s tough! I know for me, I never do very well at losing weight when I am feeling down on myself. So, keep your head up, know that you are beautiful. You are strong. You have already overcome so much, I know you can lose the weight!
Hang in there, celebrate the small victories, and don’t beat yourself up over mistakes! 
Good Luck!!